Monday, December 23, 2013

If I could be like that.

Another holiday season, another year, more failure.  Love and I are getting pretty frustrated with the whole TTC thing.  With our jobs, it is getting harder and harder to pin down a time that we are together, then there is always the fact that we have tried and tried again and failed and failed again.  Yes, due to Women's Hospital and Dr. Butcher I was basically forced into being a for 13 months of our trying .  Last month he was working nights and of course, I work days.  Thankfully I have oodles of vacation.  After a 22 day luteal phase (12 of which was spotting-yes, this was a medicated cycle), who knows when I'll O this month.  I am scheduled to be out of town next Monday-Wednesday, then again Sunday and Monday the following week.  I get frustrated when my doctor says "you should be using all of your fertile days for relations."  Well whoopty do!  Why the hell didn't I think of trying that.  I calmly say something along the lines of we try, but due to conflicting work schedules and my body being retarded, it doesn't always work out for us.
I have one doctor here, but he is not comfortable with my chart so keeps referring back to the Dr. in Houston.  The Dr. in Houston wants to take back over the file and I have no problem with that.  I prefer the way she handles things.  I am just ready to cry, cry, cry.  Long and hard.  I need my husband to be home long enough to let me break down, I need to see the tears flow, I need to let go.  I am very close to throwing in the towel.  I won't because I am too stubborn to do such a thing, but nearing 3 years of TTC is killing me, it's killing us.  We are a strong couple and I know we will make it through, but this breaks both of our hearts and I am tired of being broken.  Love always use to tease me for bringing home the broken dogs.  Sorry, honey, we're broken as well.  It's what gives us personality, it's what defines us.  We choose how it defines us.  We trudge on through the muck and we survive, we are survivors.
Speaking on trudging on, we worked the aid station for the Cajun Coyote 100 mi race.  I always love meeting new people and watching them accomplish such a feat.  Like the rest of the country, Louisiana was not cooperating weather wise the weekend of Dec 6.  We packed up the dog, the rented U-Haul trailer and a friend thinking that the temp on Saturday was suppose to get to mid 50's.  It was raining Friday as we headed over and stopped when we arrived.  Saturday morning we got to the aid station around 7 and started looking for the sun-the sun that never showed it's face.  Cloudy all day, wet from the rains the day before and never went above 35 with humidity at 90%.  It was COLD!!!  We had a rocking fire and a little space heater, but there is not enough to keep warm in that kind of cold.  Ryker spent most of the next 30 hours in the tent, truck or next to a heat source as possible.  At one point he decided that he would run with the runners...  This park is huge and that concerned me slightly.  He ran off about 3 miles and said hi to them while keeping them company, working his way back through the crowd.  Love my boy, but mamma did not approve. Sunday around 0100 freezing mist started.  We thought we were just delirious from the amount of time we'd been awake, but no, there was white flakes lazily making their way to the ground.  I took my allotted nap from 3-6 and woke up to the pouring rain.  All runners who were not finished were starting their last lap at this point.  There is no way to prepare for this kind of weather!  Heavy rains flooded some of the trails fast and the runners were needing to trudge through knee high puddles/streams to finish, all while the temperature hovered at 36.  To all of my friends who completed this race, that is how you show determination!!!  That is how you get through life!  The last runner came through our aid station around 10:30 Sunday morning.
Myself and my Dear friend Miriam!  She is a doll!  (Yes I carry around a water bottle at all times).

Everyone watch Ryker.  My friend Dwayne (Miriam's Husband, who rocked 80 miles), myself, Love and my new friend Ramone (he rocked that 100 miles)!  
It really is a focus on the beauty of people.  Even at their worsts they are still smiling.  I love my trail running crew, we are the best.  We can stick together and stand up for one another.  We are all a little quirky, but that is what makes us unique and awesome!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Time, time, time

I am not smart enough to keep my mouth shut. I keep getting more and more piled on at work and I keep volunteering for more things in my spare time. Y'all aren't here to listen to me complain about work though.

Baby making is going. I've been doing the injections like a champ and all seems to be ok, except my estrogen that was low is now high. I guess that's ok, but I haven't had a lot of time to look up data and see. Basically my levels were nearly the same on my 7 dpo draw;18 (E) and 19 (P). This month has been a little wonky otherwise as well. My HCG injections tested out then the line showed back up only to vanish and never return. Here I sit 17 dpo with no more than light bleeding, no sig temp drop and stark white tests. Of course this is a holiday week and of course I'm working. No blood test possilities until Tuesday. Sigh...

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

A-Day!

Sorry, I've been MIA.  Every time I would try to enter this blog, my phone would crap out on me (yes I have been to Apple regarding it on SEVERAL occasions but they are about as helpful as the broken phone), or tell me the post I started did not exist.   So here is the round-up from surgery (I won't bore you with the wonderful photos my doctor gave me).  

Monday, June 10, 2013

Random Chattering from a Slacker .

After some delay, mostly just me being too busy to do much of anything outside of eat and sleep, I have my Dr's report from May 6th… Yes I know it's June.

Finally!  Finally, we get to move forward.  We get to advance, we will have answers!  We are so excited to move forward!

Funny Encouragement Ecard: If I can fight Endometriosis, then I can certainly kick your ass...

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Something to Believe in.



I don't know where to start right now.  I had a whole blog already written with my last 2 race reports, but I just can't publish them now.  I'm furious, horrified, numb, yeah, numb.  A finish line will never be the same.  WTH is wrong with people?  

Friday, March 22, 2013

Fast Life

I owe a race report.  Sorry, I'm slacking and I'll get to it at the end of this!!!  My AF this month was a mess.  Cramps like never before, I actually took drugs for them (4 Tylenol).  I hate drugs! I'm still cramping off and on, and still spotting 8 days after the start and stop.  TMI warning!!!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Say What?!


So what if I'm a bitter bitch.  I know I shouldn't care if people think I am because my SIL is pregnant.  Call me old fashioned but I think you should make sure that you are happy in a relationship (2 months DOES NOT determine level of happiness-particularly with her track record).  It is not fair to the child you have to keep bringing new men into the home, it is not fair for the one you are about to have.  If/when this relationship fails, then she is bitter at the dad.  She is irritated that they are not there, cycle repeats!  STOP, PAY ATTENTION, LOOK BACK!!!!  What are you doing wrong!?!?!?  Earn some respect for yourself, teach some respect to your daughter. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I Saw Red


I've had some time to cool down.  Last weekend I was going to one of my group sites on FB and lingered a few too many seconds on my home page...  I see a picture of 2 banana splits and a comment about how it's nice to eat what you want when you're pregnant.  FROM MY SIL!!!  

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Where's my flux capacitor?

Back to the time of the month where hope is restored.  Every month when that egg is released, it's new hope, a new future.  Every single month...  At least I don't have a problem ovulating.  Like clockwork for the past 4 months on CD 14, before that, anywhere from 14 to 21, but at least I ovulated.  I have some wonderful friends on the trying to conceive (TTC) boards, some of whom never know if they will ovulate or when they'll ovulate.  Other's have miscarriage after miscarriage.  I am fortunate to have not went through either of these trials.  At the same time I feel as though the makers of pregnancy tests are just being aholes to me and some other TTC couples, that maybe our urine has some weird chemical in it that just won't turn a test to 2 lines.  Maybe we missed out in the 6th grade when they gave you a trigger pill or shot to turn the damn things positive.  Yeah the irrationality that strikes me sometimes is questionable to my sanity.  Pair that with my mood swings and you have a real basket case at times.  Thinking about it, a lot of things question my sanity.  I suppose that's how many of us are though, I mean, who defines normal?

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Losing my mind...

Monday we had our appointment with the Naprotechnology doc.  Things went well.  All and all he's skipping the year of observation and allowing us to go straight to the surgeon in Houston.  Great news! Looking at my charts, HSG results and just talking to me, he is pretty sure I've got endo, cysts and/or fibroids.  Endo runs in my family and having a previous diagnosis (never investigated further) my chances are high.  So a few trips to Houston are in order soon.  I cannot wait to move on.  It will be a nice 

I swear if I see another positive pregnancy test or birth announcement I'll  flip out and steal the adorable little babe (not really, but the thoughts have crossed the mind for people who should not be reproducing).  I actually posted on FB that if someone really needs to talk to me they need to PM me.  I'm not getting back on there until I can get or am pregnant.  I have a few groups I go to, but I cannot stand to see another baby related post right now, 12 on Valentines Day is enough to blow anyone's mind.  20 months of this crap and no quick fix in sight-yes I am done right now.  Please put the fork in me.

Off onto better topics…  My first 10k on the road was today.  It was only a minute slower than the same race last year.  Considering my training has not been what it was, that is great.  I finished in 1:07:07.  I'm ready for Pensacola.  This race was the confidence I needed.  I ran negative splits the whole race.  Figured that was a sane goal.  The water stop around mile 3 threw me off and I lost a little time because of that.  The wind was equally brutal on the levee, but I expected that so it wasn't too bad for me.  I really wish I would have worn a warmer shirt and some gloves though.  I factored in that the sun would help raise the temps, no the wind won…  44 is a hard temp to run in.  No wind it's pleasant, but factor that wind coming off the river and it's a bit chilly.  Overall I was excited to finish with a great time and no pain.  My husband waited for me since he was stopped waiting for a train.  It was awesome finishing with his slow wife.  My food has been getting swelling with my foot, but I think it's just swollen all the time now.  I can't wear most of my heels, my sausage foot won't fit in them.  If I do wear them, it is for short periods and I always have a back up pair of shoes "just in case."  It is great to be back and ready for a half!!!  3 years ago, I ran this race as my first 1/2 marathon.  It is the one race I hope to always run.  I mean it's a planned vacation every year, who doesn't want that?  

Photo from last year's race.  I won an award.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Back at It!


I suppose I should update on my 10k.  Not my fastest, but that's not what I was out there for.  The sense of accomplishment I had at the end of that race was awesome.  There was no pain, not an inkling during or after the race.  I ran with some friends the whole way and while I could have pushed myself a little bit harder, I didn't.  The goal for the day was to finish without pain, to finish the race in the city that sent my world crumbling down on October 14.  The weather was perfect, camping was excellent and my mood cleared.  It was what I remember about running, the energy, the release, the love, the controlled footsteps and occasionally the little jump over a log.  Trail running...  There is not a greater release in my opinion.  I finished in 1:31.  Terrible time, but like I said I wasn't there for time that day.  I could have pushed harder, I could have finished in 1:20 or less, but why risk re-injuring myself?  I know I wouldn't be able to handle injury again, nor could the dogs.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Bliss

I've been in a mood the last few days.  I worked all weekend and was supposed to have Tuesday off due to the holiday (I have Monday's off so if there is a holiday that day I get the next day off as well  I worked both of those days).  I usually love working on the marshes, but with Ryker at home and DH working all the time it's stressful for everyone.  Now I'm just waiting for Friday off!  I've been doing more yoga and trying to head off my negative mood with positive thoughts, it's working slowly but surely.  Camping this week before my first race since the foot injury should help (as will the race).  It is a 10k on the trails.  I'm nervous since I haven't really ran over 3 miles (I've hiked 8 though while working in full field gear).  I'm thinking that this might end up being a walk/run thing and I'm ok with that.  I'll do what my foot says is acceptable.  I'm the most nervous about the 1/2 marathon in April.  That's when memories come in and remind me of what happened 6 months before.  Maybe I'll be pregnant and I can worry about that?

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Dynamics

Quetesh and Ryker
Welcome Ryker, to the Love household!  At dinner Friday of the week I picked the sweet boy up, my husband noted that 1)  It can be hard to place a large dog 2)  It makes it even harder to place a pitbull 3)  He is a good boy and deserves someone who understands him so we should keep him.  So Ryker is a permanent addition to the family.