Tuesday, August 14, 2012

All I Ask...

Warning, this is a personal and detailed post so if you don't care to hear about the inner workings of the female body, stop reading now.

Sometimes the most appropriate quotes appear when you need them the most.  Today is CD 1, (Calendar Day 1, for those no up with the lingo.)  The day that aunt flow arrives.  She's an evil B (and 4 days early this month). This month is different though.  This month we start our progression of fertility treatment preparations.  This month we start bloodwork and have an HSG.  This month failure is closer to success.  

The arrival of aunt flow is always trivial to me. Sometimes she hits with a vengeance (this month).  Other months it's preceded by 5 or more days of spotting before her sputtering in and going away as uneventful as she started.  I get through the first few days with hard runs, I hit the pavement and make it my bitch.  Some months those runs are the best runs of the month, other months they are mediocre with a lesson in perseverance and running while crying.  I can say  no matter what the quality of the run they always make me stronger, they help me through the rough times.  They are the answer to all that is against me, they are the release of old hope, the welcoming of new hope, my sanity.  My run is my sanity.  Once I'm through the first couple of days, hope is restored, there is the next egg which will be on the way down soon.  

The greatest thing about running is your runs are what you make of them, they can be tough with a lesson of speed and/or mental resistance or just easy with nothing more.  It's just you and the pavement with an outlet for the negative, a chance to enjoy the outside world.   It doesn't matter how fast you are, how slow you are,  what matters is you are not becoming a statistic of the obesity war (diabetes, heart disease...), you are telling it to kiss off and that you will not succumb to slacker ideas that genetics play the entire roll in all of these.  Yes, for some they have an impact, for other's however, they are not set in stone.  By changing your lifestyle, you can make life better for you and show your children how to break patterns in families (even if it is genetic there is more research that shows maintaining a healthy weight will reduce your chances and/or severity of diabetes). When I finally get pregnant, I am supposedly looking for an easier labor,  less fatigue during the first trimester (this is clearly debated by women), less complications throughout, an all around healthier child who is less likely to be obese him/herself, and something to control the mood swings my poor husband will have to put up with.  The last reason is enough to continue, for everyone's sanity. I'll keep you posted on the others when I get the chance.

The worst thing for me is that I cannot talk to anyone in my family, no one had any problems conceiving, hell most of them are as fertile as rabbits.  It's hard when you cannot see a family connection to what the hell is wrong with you.  We should have at least one positive by now, even if it was a chemical pregnancy, we should have had something, anything.  Any sign of it's possible, any backing for the hope, any reason to not feel like a total failure (yes I know it is out of our control, sperm and egg must meet and do the thing, still I cannot help but feel like a failure every damn month).  I've tried everything from meditation 4 times/day to cutting out wheat (which I actually feel better without so keeping that one), extra vitamins, herbs, acupuncture, cups, vacations, not trying for 2 months (really do not want a holiday baby), and only eating drinking lukewarm things.  

Here's to the end of my negative, aunt flow arrived, bitch fest...  Here's to new hope, to the perseverance that only those who are infertile know about, to the next little eggie and to testing that will hopefully come to some form of achievable conclusion.  As Bob Barker would say:  "Come on Down!"  

How do you deal with stress? (from TTC to life)

Did (are) you have any problems conceiving?  If so how did (are) you handle(ing) them?