Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Everything you want.

Borrowed from:  http://glutendoctors.blogspot.com/2010/06/gluten-sensitivity-infertility.html

Yesterday was our first RE appointment.  A consultation.  My doctor decided it would be an excellent idea to mail my paperwork, so it wasn't there.
 There was still a plan to get things going and he didn't seem concerned that my records weren't there since I knew so much about my past tests and results.  He was very confident in an HSG cycle and IUI together for our situation.  This would be after or during the same cycle as cycle blood work (missed that detail).  So much was said and so many emotions were going on that my brain was fried.  I knew most of what we'd be told, my husband however had ideas, but has not done the extent of research I have done so he was dealing with information and emotions all at once.  Needless to say we walked out with many questions.  The slightly increased risk of multiples is among the biggest concern.  It's only increased to around 5% more than a typical cycle for twins, which is not that significant.  I was pleased that the first thing he did was reassure my husband that 1% (based on Kruger testing) morphology with great numbers otherwise is workable.

We'll be going ahead with treatment.  I've spent 4 years putting my body in condition for a pregnancy, making sure I was healthy, levels were right, settling in at work, for a hey, you've perfected the art of charting, taking herbs, and acupuncture for what?  No results after 18 months off the pill and 13 months trying, nothing to show but a bunch of tears and money spent on home pregnancy tests (HPT).  At this point, I really don't think I can turn a HPT positive, never have seen two lines...  The worst thing is I feel bad being upset about it when so many couples experience years upon years of this. 

The advice comes in, some of it is helpful (from those who have been through it) and some of it makes you want to punch the giver. I know they mean well, and really don't want to see us going through this, but the "advice" is just something to fill a void. If you want to irritate the living you know what out me you can use one of these phrases:

1)  It will happen in God's time.  or just as irritating: It will happen if it's suppose to happen. So you're telling me that God thinks a 14 year is able to take care of a child?  Or that a mother who doesn't want any more children is more deserving.  Thanks for that vote of confidence in my husband and myself.  Oh and if you are standing near while making this statement and I am having a bad day-BACK OFF unless you want you nose rearranged.  My dear grandmother is one of the worst with this advice, thankfully I have been able to bite my tongue.

2) Relax.  Oh, the ultimate idea.  Been there done that, thank you for the advice.  Have you been to the doctor 5 times in one month for a blood draw?  What about having you hooha exposed 3 times (at least that same month?  Yeah you relax.  Even if this is not in the schedule (which I have not had yet, but will be experiencing soon), do you know how hard it is to relax when month after month you fail.  Failure, that's what it feels like. It is not our fault, but still it is a negative result, a person can only smile so long after so much negativity. Meanwhile the whole flipping planet is pregnant or carrying a newborn!  Yeah, relax, if I could take off enough work to run 80 mile weeks and do yoga for 3 hours everyday I might be able to deal.  

3) Be positive.  This kind of goes with relax.  Unless you see me every day and how stinking positive I have been for 95%+ of this journey, don't even start to mutter those words.  I've smiled, when AF showed I picked my head up and said there is next month, next month is it I just know it, (try doing that over and over again)!  Sometimes screaming it while I ran happily.  After a period of time, AF showing up becomes a cry fest, followed by anticipation of ovulation and the hope with that little egg there will be a little Love.  

4) Just give up, you'll get pregnant then.  Unless you are a person with this story of hope, please don't tell me you heard about this person. I do enough searching online for myself to find the blogs of these stories of hope. If I can talk directly to them and get the details on their experience then please, indulge me.  I'm a hopeless romantic and hope is EVERYTHING!!!  However if that hope is unable to be validated, it is useless to me.

Those are the biggies.  I love seeing pregnant women, particularly those who are happy as hell to be that way.  It breaks me inside, but I love that they are able to have children and I know I will one day.  I do get irritated when they complain about how miserable they are, do you understand I would take vomiting all day long and migraines along with the aches and pains of the little person expanding in my body.  Also, please don't offer your kid.  This is your kid, you've raised them, if they have problems behaving well, that's how you raised them.  It's all about being a parent and I know we'll have rough days that we'll look at each other and go why did we want this again?! In the end the happiness will surpass the what were we thinking on top of the trouble it has been to get to that point of troubled teen or fussy toddler.  I think most people just don't know what to say so they fill the void with pointless words.  I am sorry or I just don't know what to think are acceptable, that's how we feel.  You don't have to know, and trust me I don't want you to know how this feels.

On to the next step...  

Have you done HSG and IUI in the same cycle?  

If you did, did you have multiples?