Thursday, February 21, 2013

Where's my flux capacitor?

Back to the time of the month where hope is restored.  Every month when that egg is released, it's new hope, a new future.  Every single month...  At least I don't have a problem ovulating.  Like clockwork for the past 4 months on CD 14, before that, anywhere from 14 to 21, but at least I ovulated.  I have some wonderful friends on the trying to conceive (TTC) boards, some of whom never know if they will ovulate or when they'll ovulate.  Other's have miscarriage after miscarriage.  I am fortunate to have not went through either of these trials.  At the same time I feel as though the makers of pregnancy tests are just being aholes to me and some other TTC couples, that maybe our urine has some weird chemical in it that just won't turn a test to 2 lines.  Maybe we missed out in the 6th grade when they gave you a trigger pill or shot to turn the damn things positive.  Yeah the irrationality that strikes me sometimes is questionable to my sanity.  Pair that with my mood swings and you have a real basket case at times.  Thinking about it, a lot of things question my sanity.  I suppose that's how many of us are though, I mean, who defines normal?

I start the Creighton Method on Monday morning.  I'm ready to get this show on the road because it will provide me with a movement forward.  Needing 2 months of these specific charts before I can make it to the surgeon is what I'm worried about.  I'd really love to have the planets and stars align this month and not need to go to the doctor.  It would be amazing to proceed with life without surgery.  For an infertile our lives are like "Groundhog Day."  Difference being we are on cycles dictated by our bodies.  For some of us that is a 28 day cycle, others anywhere from 12 days to 180 days and anywhere in between.  It is a blessing that I am able to predict so easily.  The friends with such long cycles I feel terrible for them.  Sometimes they don't even ovulate on those cycles, they just stay in limbo forever and then have a period.  It is rather frustrating.  I can plan out of town work around fertile times.  Sad thing is it still wears you out.  Every tells you to relax, I really do understand what they are saying (more than they do).  Many of them don't realize that progesterone is depleted by stress, I do. It's hard not to stress when you are spotting for no apparent reason, trying to arrange the allotted time with your husband who is working the EXACT opposite schedule as you (see the problem is if you don't hit the fertile days you're up a creek).  It would be nice to just jump in bed and oops I'm pregnant.  For some of us though, life does not want things to be easy.  They want us to remember that we have to work for what we want.  Sometimes more than others.  I use to worry about all my spotting now I don't stress about anything the second part of the month anymore, it's not worth it.  I'm going to be stuck in the repeat cycle until we get pregnant.  I can't fix the damn spotting without a doctor and the first one I saw was not the best at giving a damn and fixing the underlying problems.  I'm so hopeful for these new doctors, they are great, they want to fix what they can.  That is what matters.  Like my husband said, "Fixing problems will fix you.  Fixing you will be the absolute best way to assure you are the healthiest going in to this pregnancy and giving you the best chance at a homebirth."  He's right and quick fixes sometimes are not the answer.  Yes my clock is ticking, but not as much as some women, my ovarian reserve numbers are great still.  

Looking back sometimes I question myself:  "Would I have started trying sooner?"  Probably not.  I don't think it would have made a difference.  We weren't ready at that point and if it would have happened, would I have really known what I wanted?  As devastating as this is, we know what we want.  We have respect for what it takes to get there.  We will always remember what it took to get that beautiful baby.  In many ways it has brought us closer then we were.  I mean, what husband isn't closer to his wife who talks about her cervical mucus and being probed by a doctor?  The poor guy... 

On to my furbabies: 

Ryker passed his Obedience training with a perfect score.  He sat beautifully in stay, did not get antsy at all and decided that playing was not as awesome as his mama!  He also won an award for the fastest paper plate recalls.  This is where you put a paper plate a distance from you (20 feet for the races).  You walk the dog to the plate and place the treat.  You then walk back and prepare to release.  Once released the dog should run to the plate and pick up the treat, you start calling for them to come back as soon as they hit the plate and the fastest dog wins the relay.  Going into this for me was just for fun since the week before, Ryker wouldn't go 3 feet from me to pick up the treat and all of the other dogs were excelling.  Max the doberman was hard competition for him for the first round.  Max is a beautiful big boy.  His walk is Ryker's jog and Ryker made it through that one by his floppy ears.  The First Place round he ran against Molly, a terrier mix who is awesome at this.  She runs straight to the plate, picks up her treat and then runs straight back, all in a full sprint.  My beautiful boy sprinted to the plate, picked up the treat and sprinted right back.  I'm not even sure he chewed the treat.  He blew Molly out of the water.  I love my pup, he's awesome and smart as a whip!!!  

Ryker with his certification and his plaque.  (one day I'll learn to keep my foot out of the way)
Quetesh has been having some arthritis issues with her back leg that was injured in December.  She's improving on it, but if it is not increasingly better by tonight I will have to schedule an appointment for her.  Poor baby girl.  On top of that the full moon is next week and Priya will be a loon.  I made the mistake the other night of giving them all a piece of liver.  Well, Quetesh decided that she couldn't eat hers out of the bowl like the others and went to the living room.  Ryker and Priya promptly devoured theirs and Quetesh was still working on hers.  Next thing I heard was Quetesh and Priya upset and Ryker whining about something.  I don't think I've ever seen Quetesh so mad.  She was ready to fight Priya to the death by her appearance.  Don't mess with her food (she must get that from her mama)!  

What is the hardest part of infertility for you?  For me it has to be the feeling of failure.  I had a professor once that completely broke me down providing no positive reinforcement, crushing my confidence.  This is a lot more personal and devastating in my opinion.  


  1. I love your furr babies! They are adorable!! I feel very similar to you in that even if I knew then what I knew now, I started TTC when it was the best time for me to be a parent. When I could really be there an be the kind of mom my kids deserve. To wish to go back and do it earlier would only be selfish on my part because I just wouldn't have as much to give, not just money, but myself. I also love your association of IF with Groundhog's day. It really is like that. Here's hoping and praying your body works it out this cycle and no doctor is needed.

    1. I agree that it would be selfish. I just get that nudging feeling that we'd still be in the same place. It puts me in an odd place, I want to tell people to hurry up, but I know that it is not right to hurry up. I'll be glad we waited when that BFP rolls in! Hoping you're cycle works itself out and that you get your BFP soon!!!